I do a lot of thinking. Grieving gives you time to think and reflect like you had probably never done before… well, I know it’s a new experience for me. The grieving process is a very interesting thing and I think I can understand why we do it and how important it is to heal. I really thought that after 5 months I would be feeling more like my old self again but I think I’ve accepted the reality that I will never be my old self again. That’s not an entirely bad thing. Some of the things I’ve done to cope with my grief have also been catalysts for change and I’m happy to say that some of that change has been for the better.
If you have read any of the other posts on this site you probably already know how much the kindness that K.B. showed in her life has inspired me and other people. The fact that this part of her lives on and has spread so far is comforting and humbling when you think about how much change one person can bring about just by the way she lived. I know that there are many examples of this happening with other people but this one hits close to home for me and I guess it opened my eyes.
Of all the emotions I experienced after K.B. died the one that surprised me the most was the desire to make kindness to others a priority. I don’t think I was a mean person before but I have tried to make sure that I take every opportunity I’m given to do something kind. After thinking about it, this desire shouldn’t really be all that surprising though. Being kind and doing things for other people makes us feel good about ourselves and maybe that is how my mind/body/spirit copes with the feelings of sadness, loss, anger, etc. Maybe our complex brain will just naturally balance out our emotions if we let it. Some days it’s been difficult to do something for someone else when all I want to do is lay in bed and wallow in whatever funk might be going on in my head but the times when I’ve set that aside and gone to help a friend with something or even done something as small as saying hello to stranger on the street has caused a change in my mood and my general attitude. I realize that this is far from scientific proof that acts of kindness can be good for you emotionally but it often works for me and there is certainly no harm in trying it.